November 7th. Two years ago today I self-harmed, for what would be the last time.It was the only time that I cut as the direct result of another person, and it was a terrible idea.I knew that it wouldn’t help.But I did it anyway.I looked at myself in the mirror afterwards, because it always caused an odd “out-of-body” type experience.I knew in that instant that I was done.Looking in mirrors tends to cause that type of revelation as you see your physically appearance and cannot associate it with your thoughts, or what had just happened.Less than two months later I would decide that I needed to be hospitalized while looking in that same mirror.
I felt no better afterwards, I felt far worse, actually.I got up and threw my “tool” away.Although it wouldn’t have been hard to reacquire one, it was symbolic.I knew that I was done for good.There was no going back.The urge might still be there, but the hidden desire to give in that is at the back of the mind of people who are not fighting to overcome an addiction, was gone.The next day was even worse.The guilt from the night before was compounded with everything else, and it was more than I could handle.I tried something “radical” that night.I reached out for help.Instead of going back down the dangerous road that I was trying to avoid, I called my therapist.Unlike the night before, when I was finished I actually felt better.I knew that I was on my way.
I wrote myself notes before I went to bed last night and left them hiding in various places around my room to keep my mood light today:
“Way to go! You did it! Worth it? Of Course! Hang in there! Smile! Have a great day!” -On the back of my phone
“You did it! you beat it! You can do anything you set your mind to? Now what?” -On my “To-Do” List
“It’s NOVEMBER 7th! You did it! Be Proud! Smile :)! Have a Great Day! You deserve it!” –Above my alarm clock
“Remember all the times you thought you couldn’t do it? Thought that there was no point? Well, you pushed through! You did it! And look at you now. Congrats, Love! Two years! Be Proud” -In my top desk drawer
Today, on November 7th, I am strong.I am proud.I am “happy.”And I overcame. So can you!