I am an enigma. I am a study in contrasts. I will give you the shirt off my back but try to stab me in the back and somehow I don't want to turn the other cheek. My "stab back" reflex kicks in.
In theory, it sounds good to constantly act in accordance with a fixed moral code of behavoir. I can do that. I have done that. I will continue to do that. I will do so not out of fear or guilt but out of an earnest desire to live a life of character. I take full responsabilty for my words and my actions. I take myself seriously not in an inflated ego sort of way but in the weight of the world sort of way. My words matter. My actions matter.
So why then in the face of those who clearly hold themselves to no standard of accountabilty to others do I lack patience or compasssion for their journey? Why can't I continue to hold my standard of behavoir in face of their wrong doings/bad choices/verbal attacks?Why can't I respond in kindness to unkindess so easily?
I struggle often in an appropriate response to trying situations. I want so much to not be judged as the judging reveals the truth. I am human. I am not perfect. I struggle too. At the end of the day, all I would want to hear is "job well done". I want to know I brought happiness and not pain. I want to know I was a positive not a negative influence on someone's life. I want to matter.