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My last marriage didn't last very long and it was a long time ago now. For years I've never even paid attention when July rolls around with that long ago wedding date. We only celebrated one anniversary and even then it seemed apparent the honeymoon was over.
It intrigues me how a marriage so short-lived had such an impact on me in the pain department. Every logical part of my brain knows I should be glad it only lasted fourteen months and even more glad there were no children to keep us tied together in custody matters. Yet the pain of a disappointing failure has tugged at me off and on all these many years--now one year shy of the two decade mark.
Apparently this year is one of the on again times. This July I've been bothered by bad dreams, bad thoughts, and tears that feel so close to the surface.
Yet...the oddest thing of all is that I am also very very happy. It is like I'm living those opening lines of Charles Dickens, "It was the best of times, it was the...." You know the rest. I have learned to control my thoughts and can tell myself to stop thinking the bad thoughts. To tell the sad, disappointing thoughts to go away. And they do, except at night when the dreams arrive.
Last night I dreamed of the wedding. The honest truth about that wedding was it was awful. Every good thing I tried to do was a flop. There wasn't love. There was only trying to love. And failing. In my dreams, I can feel myself wanting to scream. My real self, not my dream self. I think maybe I do scream and that's why I wake up.
Tonight I don't want to go to sleep, fearful of the dreams that cause me to wake up anyway. I've been thinking of a new plan to move on from the hold that marriage still has on me. I think the dreams are a clue. I speak often about my inner child, but I'm wondering if in this case, I need to comfort my inner wife. The one who tried so hard. To comfort my inner stepmother. The one who really, really (really) tried. And to especially comfort my inner daughter-in-law. She needs comforting the most.
Tomorrow I think I'll make a party for these inner ladies. We'll talk and cry and laugh.
Then we'll have champagne. And cake. On a Thursday! July 10. I know what my toast will be! "You ladies tried your very best! It just wasn't meant to be! Let it go, let it go"