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Is he still in there, anymore?

by Wench on July 25, 2014   |  FacebooktwitterTumblr

A few weeks ago, he decided to move to Washington, outside of Seattle. My parents drove him to the airport. I found out he was leaving after he'd already landed. He was home within a week, after he stopped taking his medication and was hospitalized. Back home, he went in and out of mental hospitals. He asked me for food, and I brought him a duffle bag with food, blankets, a flashlight, deodorant, a toothbrush and toothpaste... He told me doing acid was the best experience of his life and he couldn't wait to do it again, and to give those things to someone who needed them. He made one sandwich and got out of the car.

He slept in my sister's back yard, without telling her. He wrapped himself in a rug she'd hung outside because the dog had peed on it. He asked if he could come live in my two bedroom apartment, with my two children, and then asked if I thought he was a pedophile when I said no. I told him I loved him so much, but there were things he had chosen to do with his life that I could not expose my children to, and my heart was broken as I said it.

My parents got a restraining order against him. He broke it and was arrested, until they realized only my dad is on the order and he'd seen my mom, so he was released from the police station and started wandering the streets. He checked himself into the hospital again - he walked most of the way there, and when it started raining, he threw his guitar away, and when a stranger gave him a ride and asked to use his phone, he forgot to get it back and accused the guy of stealing it.

I went to the hospital with my parents to visit him, but they were asked to leave, because of the restraining order, and he didn't want to see me. When he got out, he was put in a group home, but he left the same day because he didn't feel like a "brother" there. After a few hours, he returned. Then he left again.

Yesterday, he was in Richmond, VA. My parents bought a Greyhound ticket home. But where is home for my brother, anymore? What is the right thing to do for him, how do we help, how do we love him, and now, how do I love him without harming my children with what they are exposed to? How do I risk him never forgiving me to do what I think is best?

We used to be so close. When I look at him now, I feel like something took him away from me and there is a monster holding his body hostage. I want to wage war on that monster but I just don't know how, or if there's anyone left inside.


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