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It's an odd feeling, to have failed at love. After all, how hard can it be? Everyone likes love, don't they?
And yet, in my last relationship, all my efforts failed. Every loving gesture within the relationship family was met with suspicion as to motive. Or worse, misunderstood as not a loving gesture, but something else.
It is with this knowledge that I'm trying to put things right within myself. Enough time, enough growth, enough happiness has transpired that I can now look back with a less scarred eye, and feel with a less tender heart. Over the years I've put most of the hurtful memories aside. I've even forgotten names.
What I need now is a continual outpouring of love for myself. There isn't anyone who can make what happened right, except me. No one still blames me. No one probably even thinks of me. No doubt they've forgotten my name too. And that is as it should be. What I need to concentrate on is remembering my own name.
So.....today. What shall I do? Yesterday I saw a play that my daughter was in. It was part of a Fringe Festival, so the plays were experimental, unusual, but written with such passion from the playwrights heart and brought to life by the devoted and talented actors. The one she was in had three short plays on Love. About people trying to love, but failing. Or succeeding...I wasn't quite sure. In all three plays, the resolution was left to the viewers imagination. And like all good plays, the message stays with you, so today I have been imagining what it would be like for me to succeed at love.
For a time, it will mean being gentle with myself on the days I still wake up with doubts. Like today, for example. This weekend I bought my inner daughter-in-law flowers, took her to a Spa, had a delightful and relaxing time. But today she is still unhappy, still feels like a failure. I grow a little impatient with her and wonder what is wrong with her anyway....And, of course, by her--I mean me.
What's wrong is she still needs more. And that is OK. She has had so little. Soon she will feel better, soon she won't shrink back into the guilt and shame. She still isn't quite sure whst love feels like. We just need to give her time. Not be impatient. Tell her she is loveable and then show her. That's what I shall do today.
Loving. Succeeding. Maybe failing again. Repeat.
(But always with kindness and gentleness)