I graduated when we were pegging our pants to make them shorter and spraying our hair to make it higher.

I graduated with a plan to live a life that mirrored the lyrics to the song "Big Time" by Peter Gabriel. I was on my way - I was making it. So much larger than life.

The place where I come from is a small town
They think so small
They use small words
But not me I'm smarter than that
I worked it out
I've been stretching my mouth To let those big words come right out I've had enough,
I'm getting out To the city, the big big city
I'll be a big noise with all the big boys
There's so much stuff I will own
And I will pray to a big god
As I kneel in the big church

I had a plan. I was on my way to Chicago to try my luck with Second City and become the next John Belushi - or at worst Dana Carvey.

I promised my parents I would go to college for a full year and then be on my way to chase my dreams. I would spend my days making people laugh - which has always been my passion and the only thing I had any ability to do. It was all going to be so easy for me. I just had to follow my plan.

Then something happened:

Life.

I fell in love.
My Dad got cancer.
I moved back home to help run our family drugstore.
I got married. Had three children.
Buried both of my parents.
Closed out 118 year old store.
Helped my son through the maze of autism.
Suffered from a depression that nearly killed me.
Became unemployable due to not graduating college. Started writing.

Now I'm 44 and my life is not at all like what Peter Gabriel promised. I don't host parties with all of the big names. My smile isn't so wide. My car isn't getting bigger and neither is my bank account. Even my house hasn't been getting any bigger - although my belly has. So, at least Pete prophecy for me is about 25 % accurate.

I never made it to Chicago. I never made it big time. I have more debt than I do income. I worry all of the time. I live in the same town I was so desperate to leave. I spend my days having fake conversations with God on Facebook or writing poetry that about eight people read. I am living a life that at 18 would seem so unlikely to me. This is not what I had planned.

And I'm so glad.

Every wound I have been inflicted with
have been turned into the violin strings that I now play.

Every moment of hopelessness that I've suffered through have just been the labor pains to the new life that I am leading today.

My tears have not been in vain.
They have been proof that I have survived the dark night.

If everything would have gone according to my plan I made those many years ago I wouldn't have had the chance to experience the adventure of adversity.

It has taken me a couple decades to let go of my regrets and to realize that this unlikely life I am leading is something I am profoundly grateful.

I have been tested
and I have passed.

I have been hurt
and I have healed.

I have doubted myself
and now I'm a believer.

I have fallen to pieces
and now I'm a mosaic.

How boring would have my life been if I ended up what I wanted to be when I was 18. I would have never known how strong I really am. I would have never known the power of family. I would have never felt the tug of the divine.

I'm so grateful.

This unlikely life of mine is Big Time enough for me.